This is an answering machine. There are no staff in the library at this time due to the recent local outbreak of Bubonic Plague. Please to not spread this news, as we are hoping that the Health Department will allow us to reopen in a few days. Please ring back then.

Hello, there. This is a childrens' library. We cannot hear you over the noise. There is no point in your leaving a message, because we won't be able to hear that either. The best way to contact us is by writing. Unfortunately we are often unable to answer mail, as our patrons are a little enthusiastic with their stamp collecting, but feel free to try anyway. Byyyeee.

Thank you for phoning our library. We are sorry that we cannot take your call at this time, but the recent budget cuts have reduced our opening hours to 4 hours per day. Please phone back when we are open. Check the local papers for our revised operating times.

Hi. Your call is important to us, so please do not hang up. Someone will be with you shortly. [Put the phone next to a radio, and leave it. Hang up after about half an hour.]

You have reached the answering machine of [...] Library. If you wish to speak to the librarian, please push 1 and hang up. If you wish to speak to another member of the library staff, please hang up and then push 1.

Sorry we can't get to the phone at the moment. We have an intruder with a [loud scream]....click

Click [...then hang up]