THE NEW ALPHABET

The Board of Education has now determined that the alphabet previously used in western English is no longer culturally appropriate to contemporary society. Some schools may find that this will effect their teaching and learning to a small extent.

The following summary of the New Alphabet is pre-released for your information.

Studies have indicated that the letter “A” has been awarded undue prominence for an unwarranted extent of time, and will therefore be moved from the first, to the last, position. This will provide a more equitable situation for other letters, who have not been provided any opportunity to demonstrate or develop their leadership skills.

Although the letter “B” has proven to be a useful tool in the past, it presents an Occupational Health and Safety hazard as it is visually unbalanced - whether written in upper or lower case. It will be replaced with a horizontal line with a small triangle in the middle, to address the imbalance.

“C” will be retained for archival purposes only, and should only be used where there is no other viable alternative. Attempts at teaching C++ in software courses should cease immediately.

Despite declared demands dictating the desirable disposition of the letter “D”, this generally unused letter will be deleted due to the disfunctionality of its deployment

Overuse of the letter “E”, as in e-mail, e-learning, and e-commerce, has resulted in considerable deterioration of this particular alphabet member, and it will therefore be medically retired. The vacancy created will be filled by the usual merit selection procedures. Displaced former letters are encouraged to apply for the position. However, it should be noted that this will be a contract position for a 12 month period, after which the necessity for such a letter will be re-evaluated.

The letter “F” will be deleted from the alphabet, as it has been widely demonstrated to be offensive to a number of alphabet users. It will be replaced by a heart-shaped symbol, in acknowledgement of the universally declared hope for global peace.

There are a number of concerns over the gender-specifity of “G”. A focus group will be convened shortly to discuss this letter’s continued presence in the alphabet.

“H” is under close scrutiny, due to its association with illicit drugs. As a number of law enforcement agencies are monitoring the situation, the Board of Education is leaving the ultimate fate of this letter to due process of the law.

Human resources management literature is quite clear that there is no “I” in teamwork; therefore this letter is now redundant. All alphabet users are strongly encouraged to participate in collaborative projects, undergo bonding experiences, and be helpful and supportive of all colleagues in all situations.

The continued silence of “K” in a number of alphabet combinations has led to accusations of complicity. As the need for a values-enriched curriculum becomes apparent, such behavior is deemed inappropriate. “K” will be deployed on full pay to a non-alphabet administrative position until the matter is investigated.

The Board did not identify any objection to the continuance of “L” as a member of the alphabet. Therefore, the deadline for submissions on this letter has been extended by 6 months.

The inclusion of “M” will continued for alphabetical purposes, as it has been found to support all subjects across the curriculum.

As there is an apparent difficulty in understanding each of the components of the alphabet-member combination “no”, (as in “what part of “NO” don’t you understand?”) both of the letters “N” and “O” will be withdrawn from general use, and will be held in reserve for application in higher-order thinking skills.

The multicultural importance of the letter “P” is acknowledged, and the contribution of the United Nations in the global distribution of this letter to economically disadvantaged regions is greatly appreciated.

Following advice from the producers of Sesame Street, the problematic nature of “Q” will be resolved by bringing it to your alphabet with the number 9. This will alleviate the predicted demand that will be made on the letter “U”. (see below)

Despite earlier concerns, the letter “R” has now been declared dolphin-safe and should continue to be used without fear of any possible legal action by Animal Rights groups.

Given our youth’s preference for the use of Text Message Language (TML), “U” will move to the second position in the New Alphabet. Incidentally, it is proposed that all future external examinations will be conducted in TML in order to address the accusations of the elitist attitudes being made against Language Arts purists. Cell phones will be provided to all students in a progressive roll-out under the new Educational Technology Equity provisions.

Additionally, “2” is now officially declared a letter. It should no longer be used as a number as this could cause cognitive dissonance, thereby creating undue stress in assessment situations.

The symbol “¿” has been greatly underutilized in the past. A significant amount of research funding has been expended in its development, and it will now be incorporated into the New Alphabet. Feedback on the use of this new letter is welcomed, together with any suggestions as to a possible instructional use for it.

Since Roman Times, the letter "V" has been subverted from the language arts into the field of mathematics. It has therefore been declared obsolete from the alphabetical perspective. In this period of history, marked by an exponential rate of change, the Board is unanimous in its enthusiasm to embrace these changes in order to remain current and relevant. And hip, man. Or possibly dude.

“S”, “T” and “W” will temporarily remain in the New Alphabet, in order to maintain continuity during the change-over period.

“X” has caused enormous difficulties in the past in relation to the ratings of child-related appropriateness. It will be deleted from the New Alphabet. If you are updating your print materials by hand, it is recommended that you do not delete this letter from existing text by crossing it out.

The letter “Y” has political connotations as used in mathematics to refer to axes. It is therefore removed from the New Alphabet.

There has been far too much use of “ZZZZs” in education, by many students, some teachers and administrators, and most long-term educational planners. Its removal from the New Alphabet should serve as a wake-up call to all alphabet users.

The Board of Education acknowledges that these changes to the alphabet may impact slightly on school library collections, and has therefore enclosed a book voucher for materials to the value of $10.00 to assist in updating the print resources. A new computer keyboard is in the design stage, and is expected to be rolled out on April 1 next year. Or the year after. Possibly.